The Making Of The Amazing Healing Machine

(Or What The Hell Did I let Myself In For?)

A personal account of the OVFM Coaching Evenings film project

By

Lee Relph

Part One can be found HERE

Part Two – With A Little Help From My Friends

I didn’t sleep well on that Monday night as I found myself the sufferer of a very painful twinge in my neck, presumably from having to strain to look upwards for hours on end at the viewfinder on Barbara Darby Mk 1‘s camera, which was cranked to full height and Barbara herself was standing on a chair in order to operate it, putting her in the rare position of being taller than me for once! Suffice to say this lack of sleep coupled with my own inherent pessimism made me a rather fraught character heading into the second day of filming of our Coaching Evening film “The Amazing Healing Machine”.

Will day two be as productive as day one?

Despite this there was a small flicker of optimism dancing around inside of me after we had managed to get quite a bit of filming down on that first night and I had hopes of us being able to pick up where we left off and hopefully not have this session drag on as late as the first did. However, I never could have imagined that a good 90 plus minutes of our afternoon would be lost due to a simple red light bulb.

Sylvia subtly points out a problem with the red light bulb

For the uninitiated, part of the titular healing machine was a flashing red light bulb on the top which made for a great effect. But some members of the cast complained that the brightness and heat from the bulb was uncomfortable and distracting and therefore we needed to suppress the glare. A fairly straightforward problem to resolve, right? Wrong! Over the course of that 90 plus minutes we tried everything from plastic cups, to glasses to sit over the bulb, to wrapping it with toilet paper (!) to hiding behind other bits of equipment but elevated slightly so it could still be seen and none of these ideas worked. Some of the cast and crew were beginning to get impatient, so to say I was feeling the pressure much earlier into the session than I had envisioned is an understatement – though I guess that comes with the territory of being director and this was supposed to be a learning experience for all of us, including myself. But at least I didn’t hit anybody! Eventually thanks to Barbara Walker and my long suffering chauffeur and longer suffering father, a resolution was found and a glass tankard covered in black gaffer tape in the design of an old lantern (i.e a grid pattern) covered the bulb and dulled glare to the satisfaction of everyone. Phew!

All those years of wathcing "Blue Peter" finally paid off..

So we finally started shooting a bit later than I had hoped and things were going well enough until we ran into another problem – the curtain we were using wasn’t high enough and would expose our fraudulent stage set up. Only then did we learn that the frame supporting the curtain (which is the club’s green screen support frame) could go higher so we had to stop filming in order to adjust the height. Like the day before, people jumped right into the tick of the action to handle this task which also meant some making some alterations from the previous set up which meant the job took longer than we had hoped. But with everyone co-operating the curtain was finally set to the new height and filming recommenced – until the kids club next door started making noises! If ever there was an argument for birth control….

Sue puts on a brave face while Roarke's patience with the noisy kids next door is running out...

Now, I don’t want to embarrass the poor fellow but after a fairly smooth run of shooting we hit another roadblock when Val Pinkerton, who was playing the man with a stutter, kept forgetting his line. It was important he delivered the line as written because it was the feed for Mike Shaw’s next line but Val couldn’t get the line right. To paraphrase Eric Morecombe, he was saying pretty much the right words but not necessarily in the right order! We tried everything: making Val repeat the line over and over, leading man Roarke Alexander made a musical mantra out of the line, and we even tried the threat of physical violence but Val would trip up at the last moment. Eventually Roger Wheatley wrote the line on a piece of paper and held up for Val to read from and eventually he did it! Yay Val! I only bring this up, not to humiliate or belittle Val as I know acting is not for everyone, and Val is to be commended for volunteering, but because it was another instance where we all rallied round to put Val at ease and to coach him into delivering the line correctly which he did and earned a deserved round of applause afterwards. Before you ask, no I didn’t get angry with Val. How could I? He was not a pro actor and despite what should have been a huge problem, this was one of the more amusing moments of the shoot!

Just because I want to strangle you doesn't necessarily mean I am angry with you....

And lo it was but a while afterwards that we took the final shot and I was able to utter those immortal words “And that’s a wrap!” to weary applause before most of the cast and crew got their coats and bolted for the door! I jest of course but now came the tidying up and again, the set became a hive of activity as bodies were everywhere stacking chairs, coiling cables, dismantling camera tripods, the lights, the curtains and the frame, gaffer tape was removed from the floors and walls (and glass tankard) and everything was returned to normal. When it was all said and down and we had said our collective goodbyes to the people we had been locked away with for hours on end for two days, I took a moment to reflect on how this now empty Garden Rooms in which I stood in had just moments earlier been a film set bristling with energy and activity, where a group of people had come together for a common cause and in the process not only gained an education in filmmaking but integrated with fellow club members they had hitherto never conversed with.

Getting to know each other...

Until I see the captured footage I will remain apprehensive as to whether I successfully conveyed my requirements from the cast or not but from what little I can recall, they all seemed to understand and interpreted my ideas to the best of their abilities and I can honestly say that no-one let anybody down over the two days we spent together working on this film. I must confess to having some regrets in that I didn’t get the time or chance to learn more on the production side of things, i.e: setting up the cameras (white balancing, zebras, etc) and the lighting and sound, but others did benefit from this and I learned so much about directing a larger cast and crew, so we can safely say that the project has achieved its objective and I hope that this experience hasn’t put anyone off from wanting to make their own fictional film in the future.

Mike actually looks bigger in real life...

So, I once again offer my sincerest gratitude to everyone who gave up their time for the sake of this project and for their hard work and support over those two frosty days of January 23^rd and 24^th. And here is the roll call of all who participated or contributed to the project:

OVFM

Mike Shaw (Mr. Wiggins)

Basil Doody (Caretaker)

Val Pinkerton (“Man with Stutter”)

Richard Pugh (“Man with Twitch”)

Barbara Walker (“Woman with Limp”)

Roger Wheatley (“Dozing Man”)

Brenda Wheatley (“Dozing Man’s Wife”/Light bulb operator)

Ian Menage (Producer/”Coughing Man”/Behind The Scenes” Filming)

Barbara Darby (Cameras/Set Design/Props)

John Bunce (Cameras/Healing Machine)

Bob Wyeth (Cameras/Healing Machine)

John Ransley (Lights/Sound)

Sue Ward (Poster/Clapperboard/Notes and Continuity/Set Design)

Sylvia Snipp (Camera Assistant/Set Designer/Props)

John Epton (Technical Advisor)

Chris Coulson (Equipment/Technical Advisor)

Anna Littler (Costumes)

Freddie Beard (Catering)

Simon “Snapper” Earwicker (Photographs)

Outside Contibutors

Roarke Alexander (Dr. Jape)

Fiona Ward (“Pregnant Lady”)

Tony Relph (Chauffeur/Notes and Continuity/General duties)

Liz Carter (St. Augustine’s Rooms Booking Officer)

In closing I would just like to make one final but what I feel is a crucial point about this project. All too often this has been referred to as “Lee’s film” or “Lee and Ian’s film”. This is incorrect. It is an OVFM film and thus is the film of everyone who contributed. Ian and myself may have been the major driving forces behind it but ultimately this is a group project and I don’t anyone to forget this fact, so everyone feel free to say “This is a film I made” with confidence and conviction.

Working together

Once again a huge thanks to everyone involved and I’m now off a very long lie down….

The End

Photos courtesy of Simon “Snapper” Earwicker

 Project Evening – Past Love

This week’s meeting falls on February 14^th which is also known as Valentine’s Day, a cynical exploitation by the huge corporate entities to make money from the easily influenced by brainwashing them into believing this day is a celebration of the fabled and fictitious sentiment called “love” whilst taking huge enjoyment by rubbing it in to us lonely single types sitting in the shadows of our companion free solitude. Bitter? Moi?

Anyway, to mark this occasion the Legion Of Doom have decided to make the theme of the films for this meeting “Past love”. Now, this doesn’t necessarily have to be about a person from one’s history but could also be a hobby or pet or piece of music or anything that once had a profound or positive effect on your life which, for one reason or another, has slipped by the wayside, walked out the door or was accidentally flushed it down the toilet, as the years have passed.

So, those of you willing (or bold enough) to share with us the romantic secrets of your past are invited to bring your films on Tuesday and see if you can elicit and “Ahh” (or at worst a “What The….?”) from your friends and peers at OVFM.

If you are likely to be submitting a film this week then please reply to this post below to give us an idea of how many films to prepare for, while the rest of you, don’t forget to bring your hankies just in case (or a bucket as is your wont….)

And a bonus point to anyone who can name the actress in the banner pic!!

It’s baaack!

The annual OVFM Top 10 Competition for 2012 is due to start soon and once again it will be contested over five rounds across the year. In the 2011 competition we had 24 entries – can we top that number this year?

Competition organiser Brenda Wheatley has released the line-ups for each round so please check to see in which group your name is included:

Round 1  (22^nd May)

Bob Wyeth

Lee Relph

Mike Turner

Frank Hyde

Jane Oliver

Gwen Whippy

Bob Vine

Mike Graham

Ian Menage

Ed Jarnot

Sam Brown

Cherie Hamlet-Smith

Round 2 ( July)

Peter Mitchell

Val Pinkerton

John Bunce

Hugh Darrington

Colin Jones

David Laker

Mo & Peter Lodge

Annabelle Lancaster

Charlie & Nellie Caseley

Barbara Darby

Chris Coulson

Lizzie Mathews

Round 3  (August)

Barbara Walker

Alan Whippy

Reg Lancaster

Freddy Beard

Brenda & Roger Wheatley

Peter Llewllyn Smith

Jess & Richard Pugh

Barbara J. Darby

Simon Earwicker

Harold & Maisie Trill

Jennie Jarnot

Mike & Jo Coad

Round 4  (September)

Christine Collins

Brian Pfeiffer

Mike Shaw

Craig Robinson

Peter Reilly

Ann & John Epton

John Ransley

John Alford

Tony Faller

Pat Palmer

Anna Littler

Ann Perrin & Alan Gage

Round 5   (October)

Andy & Marian Watson

Jim Morton Robertson

Barbara Walker

Mike Bishop

Andy Webb

Basil Doody

Sylvia Snipp

Ray Hewitt

Derek Allen

Alan Smith

Malcolm Goodwin

Susan Ward

Len Lawrence

If you don’t have your film ready by the given date please let Brenda know so that she can try to find someone else to fill the gap in the evening. If your film is ready early please bring it along on a top ten night and if there is time we will show it.

If you miss your given round you can bring your film along to a later one, but it will only be shown after those drawn for that round, if there is time.

Be sure to check back as the competition progresses.

Now get filming people!

By

Annabelle Lancaster

This is an adaptation of an article in the North Thames Region newsletter written by Arthur Gatcum, a former policeman.

Under the ‘Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 (Freedom of Panorama)’ the taking of photographs or video footage of buildings, sculptures and other art in public places is generally permitted without infringing any copyrights.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_of_panorama

The Police – Members of the public and the media do not need a permit to film or photograph in public places, and police have no power to stop them filming or photographing incidents or police personnel.

http://www.met.police.uk/about/photography.htm

The use of a tripod can attract the attention of police for two reasons:

1. You could be obstructing the footway and
2. They consider you a professional and in certain areas a license is required to film.

For those in the Bromley area you definitely need prior permission to film in The Glades  (0208 313 9292) or Orpington Walnuts (01689 832923).

Airports – Amateurs must gain consent from the press office at the airport by written application and signing the airport’s Terms and Conditions. You will need Public Limited Liability Insurance worth £5 million.  www.baa.com

Royal parks – Obtain permission to film, shoot stills or use a tripod on 0200 061 2110 or email film@royalparks.gsi.gov.uk

National Trust – There are restrictions at some properties, especially for tripods, so always check in advance with the property concerned   www.nationaltrust.org.uk

English Heritage –   www.english-heritage.org.uk/about/contact-us

Museum and Art Galleries – Photography generally prohibited inside. Contact Department of Culture, Media and Sport www.culture.gov.uk    email enquiries@culture.gov.uk     phone 020 7211 6000

Trafalgar Square – Photography allowed in the Square but talk to a warden before using a tripod.   www.london.gov.uk/gla

or phone 0207 983 4000

Network Rail – Restrictions  apply on railway stations.

www.networkrail.co.uk   0207 557 8000 -  020  0207 904 7375 – filming@networkrail.co.uk

London Underground  - They do have a permit for non professionals. Crew size:  five or less with handheld equipment only. Cost £50 incl.VAT. Films must not be placed on the Internet. You also need insurance.    www.tfl.gov.uk/filming

Cathedrals – Permits are required for tripod users. Contact cathedral wardens in writing or go to www.cathedralsplus.org.uk

I can’t vouch for all the phone numbers, and you might need to search around the web sites, but on the whole I hope you find the information useful.

EDITOR’S ADDENDUM: You might also want to avail yourself of one of these: http://photographernotaterrorist.org/bust-card/

Picture courtesy of Lee Relph. Yes. Thanks a bunch, Lee.

I’ve finally taken leave of my senses! Well, more so that you’re aware of. Work has forced me to buy a Mac. Now before you think that because I work in video, I clearly must need a Mac, because you’ve heard that anyone who makes films for a living can only use a Mac if they’re serious, that’s simply not true.

The reason is that my other business is fixing PCs, and business is booming currently, hence the sporadic nature of my Views from the Chairs (or whatever the grammatically correct way to put it is). I’ve been having to turn down 2-3 jobs a month from Mac users wanting help, because I know nothing about them. I decided to take the plunge, and buy the cheapest Mac laptop money can buy to learn how it works and be able to fix the increasing number of customers I’m getting with Macs. By the way, it’s not because they’re becoming more unreliable, it’s because there are more of them!

I’m expert in PCs so I’m well aware that the cheapest PC laptop is around the £250-£300 mark, and knowing that historically, Macs have the reputation of being a bit more expensive than PCs so I braced myself for £500ish. Do you know how much the cheapest Mac Laptop is? EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!!!! And that’s the MacBook air, which is a tiny thin laptop with no battery power. The cheapest proper Mac laptop is £1 less than a £1000!

There was no way I was prepared to pay that, let alone be able to afford it, so being determined, I went on EBay to look for a second hand one. Fortunately, I found a one year old 13” MacBook Pro for £560, that no-one else bid on, presumably because it had two tiny scuff marks on the lid (No idea why that’s so bad?)

The day arrived, and I won the auction, and after an excited drive to Streatham, I was the proud owner of my very own Mac. And it’s true – standing there, holding my MacBook, all of a sudden, I really do genuinely feel superior to YOU! How they do that, I’ll never know! It’s magic!

I have to say first impressions are excellent. The whole thing is made of a solid piece of aluminium, with holes milled out for the components, and apart from some moderately sharp edges, which is probably a personal opinion issue, it feels fantastic. The biggest impact for me was the rigidity of the screen. If you try and gently flex/twist any PC Laptop screen from any manufacturer it will flex. Not enough to cause any damage, but if you try and do the same to my MacBook screen it’s much more rigid. Again, a by-product of this famous “made from one lump of aluminium” by-line. The only negative thing related to its construction that I can think of is also due to its material. When you wake up first thing in the morning, and place it on your lap, IT’S FLIPPING COLD!!!!! Of course, I’m not stupid enough to place it on my bare legs (more than once, anyway) but still, for the first 5 minutes, it feels icy resting your hands on it. Fortunately, it warms up after a few minutes.

Regarding the legendary Apple Operating System and how it never crashes and is lightning fast, I have to say I’m disappointed. It’s about the same performance as any dual-core windows 7 Laptop costing about £300-£400. I’ve managed to crash it twice in the last month, although I’m not going to hold that against my lovely little MacBook, as I’m a little more demanding than your average Starbucks drinking, web surfing MacBook user.

Being “tuned in” to the Apple world, I couldn’t help but smirk when I noticed an advert in PC world last week. “Apple computers can’t catch PC viruses”. It’s funny, but I’m sure I’ve always been told (incorrectly, of course) that Macs can’t catch ANY sort of virus, full stop. But now it seems that’s not the case. I’m fairly sure they can’t catch human viruses either, but I don’t see them advertising that?! Clever marketing, eh?

As far as the Mac vs PC debate, I have to say it’s over. They’re both much the same. I don’t really see any significant advantages either way, other than choice and price. The Mac’s construction is undeniably better, but is it worth 3 times the price? In 9 years’ time, I’d rather have bought 3 PC Laptops, than one Mac for the same money. I use my MacBook as my only laptop, and it’s a pleasure to use, and I can really recommend the 13” size format laptop, which unusually is fairly rare in PC circles, as it’s really light and portable. Would I have paid £1000 for it? Not on your Nellie!

The Making Of The Amazing Healing Machine

(Or What The Hell Did I let Myself In For?)

A personal account of the OVFM Coaching Evenings film project

By

Lee Relph

Part One – A Hard Day’s Night

On January 23^rd 2012, members of OVFM descended upon the Garden Rooms at St Augustine’s Church, Petts Wood to make a short film entitled “The Amazing Healing Machine” as a part of the Coaching Evenings Project. This is a look at what happened during the two days of the film’s production from the perspective of the only person gullible enough and insane enough to put himself forward for the role of director:

It looks so much easier in the movies....

 (click on thumbails for larger picture)

As many of you should already be aware the Coaching Evenings Project was the brainchild of Ian Menage in conjunction with the OVFM Committee (aka The Legion Of Doom), with the aim to teach us noobs and ignorami a thing or two about film making then we go on and make a short film ourselves with this new found knowledge. The script came from an outline submitted by Colin Jones and transformed by yours truly. Because I write in such a way that I envisage everything as a finished product in my head then transcribe that into words on paper/computer screen, I was therefore found myself to be somewhat parochial and nominated myself as director for this film which remarkably went uncontested by the rest of the group who had already taken the cushier production jobs for themselves.

Working hard as usual....

I won’t lie to you: I was nervous heading into that first day and hadn’t slept much the night before. This was beyond the usual reservations of whether people would turn up or forget to bring their equipment or if something drastic went wrong.  It had been almost two years since I made my multi-award winning opus “Writers Block” and I was having serious doubts as to whether I could pull off the directing job a second time (the two other films I have made since, “The Miracle” and “Looking For Dave”, were much smaller affairs I can’t consider them to be in the same league). It didn’t occur to me at the time but a few days later it hit me that the number of cast members alone for this film was greater than the entire cast and crew combined for “Writers Block”. I’m not entirely sure why I was so oblivious to this fact but it was probably just as well because I may have crumbled under the pressure had I thought about the fact that so many people were looking to me for guidance and order but the reality probably was I simply just didn’t have time to think about it.

Shall I tell him he's about to be clobbered by the boom mic?

We began the day with an empty room needing to be turned into a workable film set and in a true community spirit, people you wouldn’t normally see fraternising together during club tea breaks bandied together to help set the workspace up, be it setting up the cameras, lights, curtains, blocking out windows or putting out chairs. Eventually everything was set up and it was time for rehearsals after we stopped for a quick tea break. Our leading man Roarke Alexander led the charge for the cast for a quick read through of the script. Not only was it interesting to see the script come to life but it also revealed just who hadn’t learned their lines!

Did they have iPads in the1940's?

I am ashamed to admit that I began to fear that this might not come together as I envisioned it and if I had sufficient directorial clout to guide our mostly non-professional cast through the forest of hardship to the promised land of a watchable film. Naturally I hid my concerns but the turning point came when we had a few minutes to get the first shots which were of the poster on the wall outside. Somehow, just saying the magic words “Action”, even with just four of us outside in the freezing cold dusky forecourt, I felt a lot of the anxieties ebb away, as though putting the proverbial director’s hat on for the first time in a long while acted as a sedative for the nerves and doubts swilling around inside of me. After a few takes I felt a very small surge of confidence but I knew at the same time I couldn’t get cocky as I have found in the past that whenever I get supremely confident or excited something it all goes horribly wrong, which probably explains my permanently dour demeanour. After all, a pessimist is never disappointed.

Roarke Alexander looks on helplessly while John Ransley has to turn away...

It was starting to get late but around 6:00pm we finally got down to the main bulk of filming for this first day following the arrival of our second guest performer, Sue Ward’s daughter Fiona, who brought her own baby bump with her! I learned the next day that Fiona was actually a little under the weather as well as heavily pregnant which made me feel guilty as we overran when trying to set up the final shot with her character, something which was proving to be a source of frustration for me but I knew I couldn’t let it defeat me since I was the man in charge. But we got there in the end al though it is kind of ironic that with all the filmmakers in the room it was Roarke who came up with the eventual solution! I have to say that Fiona did very well in her role; I don’t know the extent of her acting experience prior to this but she delivered everything I asked from her and did so with good spirits despite her discomfort.

Better get a mop in case my waters break!!

Having run so long we had to rush a little to get the final scene of the night shot which involved Mike Shaw and Basil Doody. The sense of relief from the remainder of the cast was palpable as they were excused and couldn’t wait to get their coats and head for home, which was a little disparaging as we still trying to film! I couldn’t really blame them though as I was running on auto pilot by this point myself but the onus was on my shoulders so I had to soldier on and with everyone’s cooperation we got the shot done fairly quickly and the first day of filming was brought to a close.

Hurry up and take that down so we can get out of here!

It was almost 9:00pm before we shut up shop that night but it felt much later. Six hours may not seem like a long working day by being inside a room with artificial and manipulated lighting, with little fresh air (remember it was freezing outside) and you’re working non-stop barely getting to sit down, time becomes distorted, almost a redundant concept, something I am sure most of us have experienced at one time or another on a film shoot of this nature. I can’t really lament this since it comes with the territory and is a by product of the director’s responsibility of the director to keep everything moving. No wonder nobody else volunteered for the role!

We're all right! We've got the cushy jobs!!

So that was the first day over with. Although I didn’t feel it myself, I did receive some kind words from a few people remarking on how much we got done that day. Unfortunately I couldn’t see past the length of time spent on the setting up of the shots and the general dwindling of energy towards the end so I had to take their word for it. There was a small part of me that was relieved it was over for the day but this was quickly replaced with the dread of the realisation that it was not over and we had to come back to do it all again the next day….

You're coming back tomorrow whether you like it or not!!

To Be Continued…

Photos courtesy of Simon “Snapper” Earwicker

You Be The Judge II

This Time It’s Personal!

Remember last year when Reg “Bomber” Lancaster presented us with a selection of films from BIAFF which we then judged and compared our scores with those of the official judges? You don’t? Ah, I can’t really blame you for wiping it from your memories.

Well, for this week’s club meeting young Reginald and his long suffering assistant Lady Annabelle have decided to subject us to a second round of already judged films to be judged again. This time the selection comes from the UK submissions for the annual UNICA (Union internationale du cinéma) film competition. As the name suggests (although someone should explain to the French how acronyms work), the UNICA festival is a film competition held in a different country each year with an international line-up of entries. The 2012 competition – the 74^th – will be held in Ruse which, unless it has been misplaced or has left home, is in Bulgaria and will run from August 25^th to September 1^st. If you are interested then more info can be found HERE.

The films Reg will subject to OVFM scrutiny have been awarded Diploma, Bronze, Silver or Gold prizes and our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to decide which film won which award. Sounds easy right? Well, as I understand it, Reg has promised to set fire to anyone who gets them wrong so I guess we’ll have to take this seriously after all.

Now, I usually post a link to a website for further information but if I do that someone of you *might* be tempted to take a sneak peek at the results of the previous years ahead of this week’s meeting. I’m not saying any of you *would* but some of you *might*.

So, that’s what is in store for us on Tuesday. See you there?

]]> http://www.ovfm.org/2012/01/ovfm-club-meeting-tuesday-jan-31st-2012/feed/ 2 http://www.ovfm.org/2012/01/coaching-returns-fan-fabby-flozzie-lets-film/ http://www.ovfm.org/2012/01/coaching-returns-fan-fabby-flozzie-lets-film/#comments Thu, 26 Jan 2012 19:40:13 +0000 Simon Earwicker http://www.ovfm.org/?p=2136

What's Black and White and RED all over?

Day Two and the housemates are in a filming state of mind.

It’s Tuesday 24th January 2012 and as a shaft of golden sunlight picks out the gold braid stripes on Captain Lee’s uniform his eager crew gather for their early morning briefing.

Alas My Heart doth Flutter like a Butterfly's wings

“Well team, we have a Big Day ahead of us. As you know today we do the actual filming for the OVFM Coaching Course Movie (unlike yesterday when we only rehearsed, no really, it was just the rehearsal, any filming you may have thought you’d seen was just your imagination, understood!)”

Lights, Camera, Sound, Action...I say...ACTION!

Lee struck an inspiring image and his rousing voice soon whipped the crowd into paroxysms of enthusiasm for the task ahead.

Roarke and Mike pull a Cracker

“OVFMers! Lend me your ears, lend me your hearts…lend me a tenner! Today we band, we merry band stand on the frontier of history. Ask not what the Club can do for but what you can do for the Club. Let us rise as one and take up our mighty camcorders and go forth to smite those that dare stand in our way. Cry out for Film, for Video, and for Freddy! And remember people there’s no i in team…but there is a heck of a lot of t in China. Ich Bien Ein OVFMer. ”

Barbara gives the men a lesson in thermo dynamics

    Suitably motivated team work did indeed prevail throughout the day. When John Epton (who’s not blessed with the most technically minded brain) struggled to set up a piece of equipment to Lee’s exacting standard Barbara Walker was there immediately to show him how by adjusting the electro reostat to eleven and routing the power through the auxillary thermal shunt gate an effective adjustment in output of five millimicro amps could be achieved. Later it turned out an inverted coffee cup worked just as well!

The Ferret Breeders Question Time Panel

Being a period production historic costumes were de rigueur, with enough flat caps on display to make the casual observer imagine they must have inadvertently stumbled into a meeting of the Union of Flat Cap Wearers, Pigeon Fanciers, Tripe Eaters and Amalgamated Trades. Oh and there were plenty of head scarves too.

If only I could remember why I'm here

With laughter lubricating the wheels of productivity like big dollops of grease mixed with butter and then liberally drizzled with really slippery extra, extra, extra virgin olive oil and then served up on giant banana skins, it was not long before the comprehensive shot list was accomplished with aplomb, panache, je ne sais quoi and ahead of shedule to boot…F.A.B. Lee!

Mike and Ian demonstrate their expert grasp of non-verbal communication

So now all that remains is to await the Grand Premier of this Grande Dame of Grand Prix winning potential Cinematico, I for one can’t wait!!

Clap Hands here comes Sue

Click HERE for Part One.

Smile and The Whole World Smiles With You

While Old Man Winter has been quietly cloaking itself in Spring’s mantle (fingers crossed) the Intelligentsia Juggernaut that is the OVFM Coaching Experience has been steadily rumbling onward towards it’s goal…like some giant, steady, rumbling thing.

Chris Points Like There's No Tomorrow

Monday 23rd January 2012 saw a crack team of keen film makers, actors, technical gurus, avid students of cinema and assorted hangers on, gather in the Garden Room for what was to go down in Club history as quite literally ‘the rehearsal’.

"Make it So Barbara"

Under Lee Relph’s directorship a film was to be brought to life before our very eyes…and we were excited, very excited! In fact some of us had not been this excited since we’d witnessed Freddy leap to her feet like a startled gazelle, announce to the assembled group that she was ‘Feeling hot, hot, hot’, sprint down the garden and dive head first into the pool with a cry of ‘SERIAC forever!’. I can tell you that’s one committee meeting I wont forget in a hurry. What a woman!

"My, my, that is a flat cap and no mistake!"

Anyway getting back to the plot we find our hero Lee taking Colin Jones’ script idea and crafting it into a screenplay fit for Bollywood, with dancing, singing, colourful costumes, casts of thousands, a sword fight, two exploding wedding cakes, a donkey, a romance, a romantic donkey…in fact it had everything…except the budget!

There's got to be an easier way to get a suntan!

I think therefore I film

So our poor hero (ahh) returns to his draughty garret, takes up his quill, and by the feeble light of a guttering candle he sets to work again. For seven days and seven nights not a sound is heard from his attic room but the scratching of nib on coarse paper. It’s about this time that Lee decides he really should have invested in some ink, and casting aside his quill he reaches instead for his trusty laptop and with two bounds he revises the script and makes his deadline with just seconds to spare.

No! We are NOT making a blue film!

Wrapping a morsel of cheese and a crust of dry bread in a checkered handkerchief he sets off for the bright lights of London Town (with his cat), to make his fortune. And when he hears the sound of Bow Bells he knows (and so does the cat, it’s a very intelligent cat. The sort of cat that can catch it’s own supper, look after it’s self and do a little light conveyancing on the side) that Everything Was Going To Turn Out Fine.

There's the doers... and then there's the don'ters

And so it transpired. Lee made his film and it was Good. And the people said ‘Behold! This IS a Good film.’ And our hero lived happily ever after and went on to make many more movies, all critically acclaimed masterpieces. However they were sadly also commercial flops, but that didn’t matter because when the property market finally picked up the cat was ready and made an absolute killing and there was plenty of money to live on and to finance Lee’s cinematic extravaganzas for years to come!

Star Quality always shows through

But I get ahead of myself, that is all for another day.

For now it is still just the rehearsal (but with a bit of filming too, well actually quiet a bit of filming, in fact there’s a heck of a lot of filming going on to be honest, mainly ‘cos of this and that reason, you know how it is.)

Determined to make a clean sweep Basil brings his new broom.

Steady As A Rock

Anyway the “rehearsal”!

People flocked from every quarter of the compass to join the team. They flocked like…erm…birds, like exotic birds, like bejewelled birds of paradise, their wings scattering prisms of rainbow coloured light as they flew. And when passers-by looked up and saw them they gasped at their beauty, and the wise ones among them nodded sagely and said

“that there them be from OVFM, ’tisn’t for the likes of us, look away.”

But a particularly kindly old bird (but still with nicely preserved plumage and his own beak) hearing this swooped down and invited the passers-by to come along (without obligation for two meetings, and then after that special rates for couples, students and juniors, terms and conditions apply, bejewelled wings not a guarantee), and they did, and the people rejoiced.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

So as I was saying people came, people helped, people loitered, lights were put up, put down, chairs were arranged, added to, moved, sat upon. People acted, people filmed, sometimes people even filmed the actors. Tea was drunk, chips were scoffed, and finally after much hard work, energetic endeavour, and the occasional pregnant pause (Fiona we salute your forbearance) it was time to wrap the cans or whatever it is that they say in MovieLand.

Until, that is, TOMORROW!

Is There A Midwife in the House?

Click HERE for Part Two..

As the icy grip of the winter chill maintains its firm hold on us mere mortals we here at OVFM have the perfect antidote – a look back at the recent holidays our members enjoyed in sunnier climes.

Holiday films have a tendency to be dull, listless and often unable to fully represent the atmosphere and  magic of the location – in the wrong hands of course. We here at OVFM however know all the tricks and thus can transport you into the middle of the tropical sun, the snowy mountains or the vibrant green countryside, allowing you to feel the heat of the Mediterranean sun, smell the aromas of an Asian food stall and submit to the passion and energy of a Latin carnival – a small example of just some of the various adventures our members have captured on film during their visits in the name of relaxation and sightseeing.

Or it might just be shots of old people in ill-fitting shorts and tops wandering around aimlessly in some crowded foreign street being laughed at by the locals because our country’s economy is in a worse state than Keith Richards’s liver!

Come see for yourself this Tuesday!